By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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