Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
