I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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