She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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