if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
