I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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