perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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