Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
