I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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