I skipped work to stalk him.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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