My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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