watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
