Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
