seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
