meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
