do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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