Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
