Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
