I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am one with the molecules
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
