Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
