I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
