my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
