Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
