The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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