you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize