What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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