im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
