Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize