my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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