So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
