You just made me feel so damn special
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize