You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
