You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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