i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
