I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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