I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She told me I should be a condom model.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
