You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
