that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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