i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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