One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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