so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize