i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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