I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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