What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
