Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
