i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
