Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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