You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
People in love make me want to vomit
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
