She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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