I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
