My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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