there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
