Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You left your phone here
Wait...
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