I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize