her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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