dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
