my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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