I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
