So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
